Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We got so high we made milksteak
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
