my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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