Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
