"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
