im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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