you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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