The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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