dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
zippers are such a cool invention
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
