I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
