I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
