Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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