hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
