glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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