apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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