Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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