don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
