He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
