U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
