all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
