my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
