I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
