I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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