I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
