worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
