I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
