She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Randomize
