you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
