Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
