I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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