For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
