i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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