im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
