He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
