our cab driver is having phone sex.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
