The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
