If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
