WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
