I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
