If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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