no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
