Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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