What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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