kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
