On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
