i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
