so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
50% drunk capacity currently
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
