Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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