Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
