you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
