things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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