Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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