You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
